Osama Bin Laden has an infidel daughter?!?!?!?!!?!
March 11th, 2006
Just when I thought American couldn’t get any fuckin weirder and more 
hypocritical here and frankly, just when I thought reality TV couldn’t get any fucking rediculous (Fox locking people in a bunker? A game show with no questions to answer or no skillds neede except the ability to guess random suitcases?). No, this time, TV has trumped even the most absurd concept I can possibly think of for a reality show (A reality show about the people who have to day in and day out look at Sarah Jessica Parker and the small country/mole on her lower chin.) There’s a new reality show following Osama bin Laden’s daughter.
Anyone who hasn’t realized there’s a real pro-Muslim agenda by the media and the politicians in this country…well here’s some more heavy handed “they’re not all terrorists” stuff. Now, I understand why President Bush has to say that terrorists have hijakced a noble religion and all (he’s pandering), but its starting to seem like politicians and the media are protesting just a little too much. Heck, they’re louder at proclaiming that the Muslim religion isn’t about terrorism than the so-called moderate Muslims are.
Regardless, I just observe, and I’m here to Jizz, not to squabble. And in the spirit of jizzing I bring you the infidel daughter of celebrity Muslim father and uber-terrorist Osama bin Laden. You know him as the worst man since probably Hitler. A man with a front-row seat in hell reserved for him sometime relatively soon. (Unless he has a seat reserved in heaven with 42 ripe young virigins. Somehow I really doubt it, I mean I can see where heaven, hell, and God are hard concepts for some people to swallow, but come on…42 virgins? Even 1 virgin is damn hard to swallow. Especially as a reward for killing people. All the virgins I know… Well, I don’t know any virgins, but I can bet they’d be scared of a spider let alone a mass murderer…)
Osama bin laden must be steaming in his cave, because his daughter is not only completely western (doesn’t cover hear hair, sleeps with guys on the first date, shows her boobs, has tried anal) , but she’s totally into the shallowest facet of western culture: HOLLYWOOD. Could she be the next Paris or Nicole? Could that be the best weapon against terrorism? Think about it. One second Osama bin Laden is ordering his band of crazies to blow up a bunch of innocent yuppies like me and the next second they see his daughter on the Simple Life 5 (Which they force themselves to watch while plotting to make themselves hate America even more. The irony being that they’re probably dreaming of a heaven in which they get to nail 42 Paris Hilton’s. Or, maybe not, she’s not a virgin, but definitely 42 white women.) Suddenly they realize that in Simple Life 5 anorexic superstar Nicole Richie has died and has been replaced by none other than Osama bin Laden’s daughter who has absolutely no use for a name other than Osama bin Laden’s daughter because, I mean, come on. But anyway, they see her on there and bam its over.
Habib would be like, “Osama isn’t that trashy socialite your daughter? That’s what your child support payments are funding? We’re living in a cave and she’s living in Beverly Hills? What the fuck man? You couldn’t even raise a proper Muslim? Bitch talks all the time? Look at that hair! Damn man, you said we had to wait till heaven to get bitches like that. I bet she has a bikini wax.”
Rakkim would chime in, “Yeah. How come we don’t put our energy into bringing bikini waxing to the Middle East rather than trying to kill all these people?”
And that would be it. The cause would be completely undermined. As for me I can only wait for what reality TV has in store for us next, but somehow I think the Osama bin Laden’s daughter reality show will be one for the ages.
Song of the Week: Son of Dork - Ticket out of Loserville
Lance Armstrong is Contagious
Lindsay Lohan Like the J
February 9th, 2006
Lindsay Lohan is a woman oft lusted after, but, comparatively, rarely umm jizzed. However, a recent photo of Miss Lohan has recently cum under much scrutiny lately as of late currently. This recent photo of Lindsay with a “J” neclace is WILD. Mainstream gossip affluxianandos (made that up 
) have supposed that the necklace implies some tie to someone with the letter J somewhere in their name most likely the first letter. Rumors are swirling and swaddling, not unlike the clothes surrounding the dear baby Jesus, that the J could stand for none other than Jared “My Name Starts with J” Leto. Has Jared Leto enough power to put his J in a sexy ring around Lindsay’s chest and neck? One might ass-u-me so, and say, “Well played Mr. Leto.” Or perhaps “Well laid Mr. Leto.” They would be wrong, but you couldn’t fault one who that thought that…they aren’t a scientist. Luckily, the Jizzfarm is affiliated with at least several science-ists or science minded people who are, in turn, affiliated with other science minded people and animammals.
Scientists here at the Jizzfarm have other theories and hyperpostulates (made that one up too) as to what Lindsay is actually conveying by wearing the letter J proudly around the area upon which head head rests. Its possible that Lindsay Lohan is advertising her stong desire for J. The questionable photo was sent from the Jizzfarm offices via internet email web text message to the highly regarded (poorly) Jizzfarm Science Foundry (JFSF) in southern America. There the JFSF (Jizzfarm Science Foundry) performed many countless ever-changing miraculous tests and analysees to determine what can now be seen by the laymans naked untrained eye: Lindsay Lohan likes the J. All over. All the time. We couldn’t see it with the naked eye, but with the appropriate filters for blue light and other sciencey things we see the truth. [To see the truth, click the pic for the large one dumbass] Well played Miss Lohan. And all this time we thought maybe you liked another white substance whose properties are also tied to extreme weight loss. Sorry we ever thought you were on cocaine. We never realized you were addicted to man juice.
Then again, what 19 year old hottie isn’t into the J? 
Boners
February 9th, 2006
Hello there dirty friends! This is Dirty Erik. This is the first of a series of weekly posts that I will be offering to www.thejizzfarm.com. In addition, I will also be posting my Song of the Week; it’s guaranteed to be a kickass song. This week’s topic: Boners 
.
Girls always complain about how being a girl sucks: they have to deal with being on the rag, menstrual cramps, stained panties, and not being able to fool around with hot guys such as Matt Rarey 
(check him out U of I ladies, he’s single, horny, and has a D the size of texas). I argue that being a guy isn’t much better. I got to a university where girls outnumber guys two to one, and 75 percent of those girls are hot as balls. This predicament therefore causes me to have an erectohuge boner mcfarland gigantor-cock almost 100 percent of the time. Unfortunately, many of these boners occur while I am in class, where I am very unable to masturbate and release my love juice in response to these very hot ladies. I have tried numerous options: pocket pool, covering my unit with my coat while I unzip and go to town on my shaft, etc. These attempts at blowing a hot, steamy, and frothy load in order to relieve myself have all proved to be unsuccessful. In fact, they often make me even hornier. This fucking sucks.
Even worse is the case of what I like to call “Nuisance Boners.” These are boners that occur simply from a sharp increase in temperature (therefore causing increased bloodflow to the D, effectively causing an erection) or from simply not getting ass the previous night and leading to an extremely uncomfortable and everlasting boner the next day. Unlike a normal boner, these boners do not feel good. In fact, they are painful. Anyone that has gotten a boner during church knows what I am talking about. Making matters worst, these boners are often the hardest and longest boners that can be acheived by any mortal man. They are super long, and are very noticeable by hot ladies. This leads to an uncomfortable and embaressing situation. One time in church, I was approaching the alter while during communion. I had a huge erection while sitting in the pews. While there were numerous hotties in the sanctuary that day, this particular boner was a nuisance boner, and therefore measured at least 8 inches. I saw that a hot girl was in front of me in the communion line, and decided to flaunt my massive cock, hoping that she would get wet herself and possible want to hook up later after the church service. This was not the case; she look disgusted and almost threw up the body and blood of Christ after taking communion (side note: had she done this, would her sins not have been forgiven?).
So, in conclusion, while nuisance boners are indeed extremely large, DO NOT attempt to flaunt them to hot ladies. They will probably not be turned on. Making matters worse, since nuisance boners are not a product of being turned on, they are diffucult to stroke off. I have often caused myself shaft chafing, bleeding, scabbing, and scarring. Also, bringing these boners to climax often takes awhile. To prove this, try whacking off your morning wood when you wake up. I guarentee that it will take much longer to blow your load than a normal boner would. Additionally, it probably won’t feel as good. I am doing much research on how to avoid nuisance boners. Unfortunatly, they seem to occur almost spontaneously. I will post a solution as soon as I find one. As a short-term option, I recommend the “D-tuck.” If you find yourself with a boner in class, church, on campus, in an interview or otherwise, inconspicuously reach down into your undercarriage and fold your shaft up behind your belt-buckle. Many of you may have heard this technique commonly referred to as the “lift-and-tuck” technique. Whatever the name, I can assure you that it works. This is not uncomfortable and will drain the blood from your hugely drawn horse-cock.
A final note for weightlifters. Erections are caused by increased bloodflow directed into the blood vessels of the D. This increase in bloodflow is stimulated by an increase in the neurotransmitter Nitrous Oxide (NO). This increase in NO can be stimulated by the hypothalamus or by an external source of NO. A popular and effective new weightlifting supplement is indeed NO, as it causes vasodilation (increase in diameter of blood vessels). This allows for increased protein shuttling to muscles, thereby increasing muscle mass faster. However, it may also contribute to a higher number of Nuisance Boners. If you are considering getting on the supplement, you have been suitably warned.
Smegma McForeskin Rimms Hot D Temptuous Boner Sanchez Dirty Hot Carl Cums-a-lot. ;)
This week’s Song of the Week: 23 by Jimmy Eat World.